We all want good relationships with our teens. We want them to be able to talk to us, at least that is want we wanted, and what we hear from other parents. 

What gets in the way? Well, one thing is that we still see them as our “kids”. We treat them like they are young (which of course they are), but, in doing so we are treating them like we did when we were the center of their worlds. Thankfully we are moving away from that. They don’t depend upon us, and they start to care about what their peers think more than what we do.  The center of their world is shifting. And that is good. And can be hard for parents i many ways.

So how do you stay in conversation with them despite their wanting to grow more independent? Here are three simple ways to be which will keep you closer to your teens. Are they simple?  Yes. Are they easy? No. They require concentration on the part of us, the parents.

BE curious.

Ask questions that show real interest in what they think, in who they are. We can easily fall into the parental role of reminding, probing, nagging.  When doing this we are still treating them like younger children. We become fearful that if they forget their homework, it will reflect on our parenting, instead of giving them the opportunity to learn how to self regulate. 

Instead try talking to them like they are young adults, so they can step into that role and try it on while you are still near by. So be curious as to why they like or dislike they topics they bring up.  What do they think about what is in the news? And be careful not to dismiss the logic if you disagree, just tell them your own point of view. In other words, engage in respectful, thoughtful conversation as you would an adult-the adult they are becoming.

BE quiet.

This is a two fold suggestion about listening.  One is adjunct to being curious, in conversation we need to let them speak.  They can often be trying out new ideas, so they are not as prepared for the adult interruptions, be patient and let them get the whole idea out. Wait.

And also, listen in on the conversations they have around you. You don’t always need to be in conversation with them to listen to them.  Being the chauffeur is a golden opportunity to see them interact with friends, and no doubt there are others in your home.  Our TV room was right off the kitchen so cooking while they played computer games together was another place I was able to just listen. (And, yes, we had one TV in one public place.) Cars are another great space to have conversation, that lack of focus on them while your eyes are on the road lessens the pressure.

BE present.

Again this is a two fold idea.  One, when in conversation be fully present. We have so many distractions it can be hard to look them in the eyes, especially when the conversation is routine or repetitive, but making that small point of contact goes a long way in keeping the connection between you strong.

And also, be as available as you can be.  By this I mean, have dinners together, or just be home when you can be, and leave your door open.  Give your relationship space to bump up against each other rather than into one another. To do this you need to occupy the same spaces.  Growing up, that space was always the kitchen in our house, it was a place for unscripted conversations.  There was an ease and freedom to those conversations, no agenda or issues.

The more you practice these, the better you will get at being you with your teen, at being comfortable with your teen, and inviting your teen to be themselves with you.