What is real? In an age of  Instagram filters, reality TV, YouTube edits, AI and more, that question is complicated! It’s all reality, but….

Parents today are understandably confounded, confused and concerned. We hear parents struggling daily to determine the best way to “make sure” that their kids understand:

• that those people they meet online might not be real
• they might be real-but not who they say they are
• that that image of themselves on IG could be real trouble
• that everything you read online isn’t true
• that those presentations of “true selves” might not be true
• that those “friends” are not real friends
• that nothing is private and nothing is ever really deleted
• that that image that they just posted isn’t really what they think or believe, is it?!?!
• and on and on and on.

Anyone overwhelmed?  It can be hard to understand this new reality, and yet, there it is-unreal, real and all. Feeling overwhelmed can cause anxiety.  You following? That is what we are all swimming in, and often it can feel like drowning.

The real choice that parents have? 

To hit the pause, not the panic, button. Our younger child apparently fell out of a raft on an outdoor adventure (pre “the” wilderness program) and loves to tell us that what you’re supposed to do is relax and stay calm.  Yep.  He’s right.  Keeping your cool is the most important part of surviving a whirlpool. All panicking will do is wear you out. Freaking out will only cause more harm. If only I had realized that what I was in, when he was a teen, was a whirlpool, not a maelstrom.

Most parents have watched reality TV, use Instagram filters, go down YouTube rabbit holes and regularly say “Hey Google/Alexa and Siri”.

In short? Kids, they’re just like us!!

The Social Media Unreal Reality

I don’t know about you, but I totally understand feeling less-than. And that can be in “real” life as well as social media!  How many followers do you have? How many likes?  How many comments? I can get dismissive and judging, but, I still check IG.  Who do I follow?  It’s like my music taste-all over the place.  It’s where we feel connection with “our people” and my people are apparently a diverse crew, from my “real” friends to celebs and causes.

Are you aware of how YouTube, Instagram et al impact your world? Assuming that you don’t have to be introduced to this new “real/not real/what’s real” world, then the real opportunity that parents have?  Check yourself before you wreck yourself.  Monitor your own use.  No fear, just truth! 

After you’ve taken some time to consider how all of these things impact you, then open a conversation with your kids sharing your experience.

“I did this thing of paying attention to my use of X… and found out Y…and am now thinking I’ll Z…..I’m older than you, what is your experience with X?”

You can ask them who they follow, and to share something they’re seen that they like. If you want to know what’s happening don’t stalk them on IG, get invited in and keep your mouth shut. . If you see something concerning ask them questions, but don’t attack or question them.  Feeling overwhelmed?  Reach out to a trusted friend or family, or a professional.

What the Kids are Watching

TV has changed exponentially. Do you have a favorite secret reality show?  Do your kids watch any?  Share your dirty reality show obsession with your kid.  Ask them if they have one, or just laugh with them about yours!  Who knows, maybe you can spend an hour or more staring at a screen together.  Don’t judge it, just be there.

Ask them what they’re streaming these days on TV or YouTube and ask if you can watch with them. They are not with you 24/7, so, they are gonna watch what they’re gonna watch.  Don’t wince or groan.  Remember, relax, calm, breathe. Try not to interrupt, just watch.

AI 

It’s artificial!!! And it’s smart! And, it is produced for humans, even if it’s not human. I often question the motives of the humans doing this work. Turns out? Not all humans working on AI are out to get us. AI is not simple.

I wrote a letter to the New Yorker the other day about an article on AI and mental health “…my initial reaction to Khullar’s article was fear…Once I read all of it, however, I changed my mind. We already live in a world in which many of us interact with nonhuman helpers every day.”

The published letter was edited.  “Will my profession be obsolete?” was the concern that was not edited out. I realized a few things: one, that’s just self-centered fear, and if AI was a boon to parents and teens and I was rendered obsolete as a coach and the world was relieved of the current pain and struggles, I would be overjoyed and not even remotely worried about my next career!      

Plan P is for many things, one is Practice. One of the things that we do as coaches is discuss ways to, as one mom said, “help me stay sane until our next session”. What we are really doing is creating a daily practice, or often practices.  AI, based on the article, could be a valuable interactive tool to help everyone maintain daily commitments to themselves. Twelve step programs suggest going to meetings,  not everyone finds them helpful, perhaps AI could help.   With the caveat that there are supportive connections to other humans-individuals and/or a group to balance with the daily AI to support a healthy mental state.

When I use AI I know that I am interacting with software, even if it sounds human. Imagine if- for a minimal fee, or no fee-every single person who wanted daily check-ins could access them, and could then meet weekly with a living, breathing human who knows what air, land, water and sky look like, smell like and feel like.  I know, it’s tricky, but AI is real,and AI is not going away. Who knows, maybe a teen wouldn’t feel so judged by a bot?

So. How are YOU feeling?  What you CAN do.

Overwhelmed? Undone? Tired? Stressed. All of the above plus more? Pause and check your pulse. Listen to some music, dance, read, stare at the trees-do something that you like for a few minutes/a song/a few pages.  The world is going very fast, you can take a quick break without missing anything. 

Young adults that we’ve spoken with have shared that they appreciate it when their parents share what’s going on with them. This is not to suggest that you unburden yourself on your teen, or bore them with stories of what a badass you were at their age.  (Side note: I tried that once.  I got the teen shrug. A decade or so later my kid said “I can’t believe that you know them!!”)

Parents who we work with are learning to reach out to their children, to be patient, and also to find their own piece of mind.

Generally speaking our kids are way smarter than we give them credit for, even the ones who we are scared are going full tilt off the track. We’re just scared. And for me that feeling of fear made me behave all kinds of crazy.   

Consider for a moment that your child is having feelings. We know how they are behaving, and that hard though it may be to believe, they are behaving in an age appropriate manner!

Take a few minutes over a few days over a few weeks over a few months to invite them in. Explore your reality, listen to theirs. No doubt the two are different realities. That’s the truth.