It’s where are you going next? If we stay staring on all the things that we did wrong, that the school did wrong, that, that that….we are losing precious time that we could be spending considering where we and our children are right here, right now.
I am not suggesting that what was done in the past has no bearing on the present Of course it does. Let’s say I was driving, and we missed being in a really bad accident by seconds and inches. I’m shaking but thankfully we are all fine. If I just keep staring in the rear view mirror trying to figure out what happened…well, you see where this is going, right?
With my younger child I started by being “logical” about it all, and, you know, “focusing on the circumstances”. And by “circumstances” I do not mean my child’s changes in behavior and attitude, I mean the school and the other parent’s move. And by “focusing” I mean blaming really, if I am honest. And, now, years later, thanks to both of our amazing kids, I am honest. And that focus? Was not on the road, was not on the kid.
If we are staring in the rear view mirror we are dramatically increasing the odds of of running into something or someone and causing significant harm and damage. The same thing can be true in our child rearing. I spent much time and energy trying to make sure that my kids were supported in the “right” ways, as many parents do. When or younger son started behaving in ways that were a wee bit concerning I started trying to figure out what was going on. I looked in the rear view mirror, I checked the side view, I cursed the expensive private school and a few choices that they had made, ditto the one before, then the public before that. i looked at the fact that that poor kid had had one parent move farther away and their brother leave for college all on the same day. I recognized and acknowledged that that left that poor kid with “only crazy ass me”.
And, that kid, who I loved more than life itself? Somehow or other I lost sight of him. Oh sure, he was acting in ways that I didn’t like, and in the beginning I was writing that off to being a teenager. Then I started started focusing so much on what he was doing that I lost track of who he was, who I knew him to be-a very kind, caring, individual. He had faced challenges his entire schooling career (except pre-school, aside from not wanting to be in that 3 little pigs play that time he had seemed pretty happy there), it was never overly dramatic.
As he proceeded in high school things started to get sketchy. I started getting more calls. He insisted he was fine. Everything was everyone else’s fault. And, truth be told, I wasn’t feeling that great about the school, but what to do, eh?
So, what to do? Pay attention. Ask questions. Don’t accept no answer as an answer. Parenting teens is hard! They might not speak words! But their actions do speak-often louder than words, I hear. I often say that teens are just enlarged toddlers. Toddlers express their feelings through actions. The actions are just different when they are teens, but, make no mistake, their actions deserve attention. Do you know what they are saying?
How are you, the parent, feeling right now? Everything’s cool? Cool. A little nervous? Check in with your kid-ideally when you’re driving them somewhere, or over dinner, not by plunking down on their bed or asking them to sit down “to talk”. Know the questions that you want to ask. And, try asking questions, don’t question them. Leave space open. Sometimes just asking “What else?” and waiting, was the question that got answered most in our house. What works in your house? We don’t know!
What is happening right now? Who do YOU want to be in this moment?
What was done in the past? Meh, leave it there for a minute, it’s not going anywhere.
