When we get a new car, rent a car or someone else has been driving our car, what do we do? We adjust the seat and the mirrors. What is our reason for doing this? We want to do the best that we can to see clearly, and avoid our blind spots. Why avoid blind spots? Oh, so we avoid hitting another car or a pillar or…in short to keep ourselves and others safe, right?
As parents, it behooves us to check our proverbial mirrors as our beloved children age. The teen years are a whole new vehicle! Personally I had not fully understood what was coming next. This happened despite reading, listening to podcasts and going to parent education nights where we were told that the teenage brain, in brain scans, was not pretty! It did give us pause, an awareness that we might be headed into unfamiliar territory.
Before putting the pedal to the metal and running ourselves ragged, it helps (understatement) to adjust our thinking. .
Properly adjusted mirrors do not fully eliminate blind spots, eh? You lean a little forward just to make sure that there is no one in that lane. When I saw those preteen and teen years coming onto into our home, because, you know, that’s where they lived, I wanted to put them back in car seats-not give them they keys to the car! I’d done the reading, I’d gone to the parent education nights and I knew – Mark Twain was right!
“When a boy(child) turns 13, put him in a barrel and feed him(them) through a knot hole. When he(they) turns 16, plug up the hole.”
Mark Twain
Alas, this parenting advice is witty and clever-and not helpful. Cursing the darkness or battening down the hatches is equally unhelpful. We want healthy relationships with our kids, but in truth, we personally found very little in the way of how to build those. We learned. It took a lot of test driving and adjusting, and it was totally worth it.
What’s the trick?
Adjusting our perspective.
This is the simple-not-so-simple key to maintaining a trusting healthy relationship with our children. Okay, it’s not even remotely easy! NIMH tells us a little about the teen brain, and in speaking with parents the info can be confusing and with some parents, it can be a cause for panic -not the healthy reassurance that they had been hoping for.
Before reading further we suggest that you sit still for a moment. Remember, in raising children as they transition to adulthood in particular, it’s import that we learn to respond, not react. Adjust, don’t panic and hit the gas without checking your mirrors. It takes practice. Careful , you don’t want to go full throttle into the future-you’re not there! Slowing down helps. You also don’t want to go careening off into other lanes-your spouse’s, your kid’s-without making sure they weren’t in your blind spot-you don’t want to hurt anyone. Lastly, consider, before you start tailgating your kid (although some parents use location tracking) because if they stop short, yeah. Have you ever been rear ended? What tends to happen in those cases? Everyone blames the other person. Are we right?
So, here’s what NIMH says:
“The brain continues to mature even after it is done growing.”
This is super great news right?
Wellllllll. Of course, what they are actually saying is what no doubt you know-your beloved child’s prefrontal cortex, the part that is responsible for skills like planning, prioritizing, and controlling impulses, is not yet connected, it’s connect-ing. So, just remember this! It is a foolish parent (and we all have moments of foolishness, so, no shame there) who thinks that because their child can plan how to get out of the house etc. they can plan to get their homework done, a dinner made or quite frankly anything else that you want them to plan!
We parents are better served, and saner ,when we adjust our expectations of our teen-do not expect them to be able to plan, prioritize or respond reasonably. The problem is not a problem, it’s the teen brain.
We are the adults, for now it is still on us to plan for ourselves, prioritize for ourselves and respond ably to situations and to other people, including our unreasonable beloved child.
“The teen brain is ready to learn and adapt.”
Yeah! That is great news.
“Many mental disorders may begin to appear during adolescence.”
Oh no. Not good news. Definitely scary info, and naturally we want to keep an eye out, and reach out to professionals as needed. As needed. And, keep an eye out-do not grab a microscope and put your child under it. This will only serve to make you and your child crazy.
“Teen brains may be more vulnerable to stress.”
Um, another not-good thing, because, yikes, who isn’t stressed?! And they are more vulnerable to this?!
Again, pause, adjust. If reading about their stress causes you stress, or, heck, if you are stressed for any reason-deal with your stress first. And, what a great opportunity this is. (No, I’m not kidding.)
Pay attention to how you deal with stress-do you get a massage, punch walls, practice meditation, yell at the cashier, practice mindfulness, cry, go to therapy, practice retail therapy, over eat, under eat, take a bath, etc. etc.? Our beloved kids may be looking and acting more mature, but we parents are still modeling. What are you modeling?
“The teen brain is resilient.”
Thank goodness!!! Just by it’s nature!! “Although adolescence is a vulnerable time for the brain and for teenagers in general, most teens go on to become healthy adults. Some changes in the brain during this important phase of development actually may help protect against long-term mental disorders.”
Lastly, all of those statements about the teen brain? They are true for us prefrontal connected folks too! Neuroplasticity is a thing, and it is really good for us adults to learn and adapt. We humans are vulnerable to stress, and, as I am writing this in 2021, we have been given a unique opportunity to pause and consider how we handle stress, and how we let go. And, we are humans, we are resilient, this species has survived a long time.
So, get your seat comfy, adjust your mirrors, get to know your blind spots. Ready to drive? Move out of Park? Proceed with caution, but not so slowly that you are a traffic hazard. Why? There’s no need to be afraid, plus, your kid will get way ahead of you! You’ve got this!
