“If I could work my will, every IDIOT who goes about with Merry Christmas on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.”
Ebenezer Scrooge
The holidays can be a time of stress and mourning for many people. I lost my mother when I was 16. After a death the holidays often become a time of missing those who have died more acutely. For me this is true to this day, and I am far from 16. Even in my mother’s prolonged illness she somehow managed to organize the cookie baking and keep traditions going. For many years the holidays were a time of year that memories of her were around every corner.
When my father remarried two years later the stress was compounded as our two families merged traditions. Some traditions were lost, my mother fading with those loses. This new family brought their own traditions. We worked to create new ones for this new blended family of pre-teens, teens and young adults, each of whom had their own experiences. It took many stress filled years to get to a place where we were all moderately comfortable.
Each individual has their own holiday discomfort story. My “reason” is easy to point to, some are less so, but I know I am not alone in struggling at this time of year. There are, for everyone, plenty of reasons to feel sad, put upon, stretched too thin, misunderstood, left out, (I could keep going but you get the idea) -basically uncomfortable with some aspect of making things merry and bright.
When I am struggling with the season, all the merry people feel like admonishment. T’is the season, I should all be jolly. It can feel like any feelings other than joy filled are not the “right” feelings. Add to this that it can be even harder during the season filled with activities and merriment, to find the time, to take time for ourselves. That time, to feel whatever feelings we are actually feeling, is important in that it allows us the opportunity to decide what we want to do, to not just keep doing what we are supposed to do.
Then I married Sarah, who already had kids, and parents, and traditions around the holiday. Hello holiday stress my old friend. I had experience, I knew how hard it was to have those traditions shift suddenly with the addition of family members, rather than evolve slowly over time. Step parenting is tricky, and extra tricky around the holidays. Finding my place was hard. I wanted to be a participant, not just an observer. Doing this without becoming a disrupter can be a delicate balance. I am sure I didn’t always get it right (no one does) but over time I am happy to say, it has gotten easier. This happens naturally, in part because traditions shift with time to accommodate changing circumstances, and in part because our children age and that invites change.
As our children get older they have their own idea about how they want to spend the holiday. Juggling all the different desires, schedules, and traditions is both easier and harder. Easier because they require less care, harder because that can make planning more difficult. Trying to make everyone happy can be impossible. Well, the truth is that it always was! As a parent of young adults what has happened is that now it is very clear that we have lost the power to enforce our idea of what will work for everyone.
We can get focused on keeping everyone happy and getting it all “right”. This is absolutely impossible under the best of circumstances. Add the many competing needs and wants of the holidays and it can feel like a lot of pressure. I don’t know about you, but my feelings are more than happy to hide behind the “need” to make everyone happy. Feeling apart from the merry people and under the burden of too much is a recipe for hot to become a Scrooge.
It is easy to get caught up in the season and the pressure. It is harder to find balance by taking care of yourself and giving others space for their own mix of joy and sorrow.
I have learned that to address and reduce my stress it is important to take the time to clarify to myself what I want and how I can work within the traditions to get it, or let it go. Taking this time to consider my needs allows me to show up with more joy. It helps me to remember why it is important to me. What I have discovered is that I want to focus on the relationships, rather than fret about getting the “right” gift. That focus helps me to connect, and not get lost in the tumult of the season.
Much like Scrooge, I have discovered that this is a time of year to reflect on my past, to enjoy and appreciate the people in my life. And like Scrooge, this takes time, time to look at myself and my priorities before I can live them. It is my hope that you can find the time that you need to discover what the season offers you.
