Motivation and discipline are two of my very favorite subjects. (How we define success is as well, but that’s for another blog!) The are foundational. When our son shared this quote* with me I was struck by the wisdom and grateful for the great reminder.
Wanting, even knowing, and understanding, why you want to do something? That is not enough. How do you get there? Self-Discipline. And that? That’s not easy.
Motivation
What change do you want in your life? What goal do you feel motivated to work towards, if you are honest?
Many people have many goals that they feel renewed motivation to work towards, particularly at the beginning of the year and or the beginning of their own personal new year, aka, their birthday. They want their body to look and/or feel different, so they are motivated to exercise and/or lose weight. They are not happy in their current job, so they are motivated to look for another one. Unhappy in a primary relationship, that is motivation to leave it. Feeling cold? Weather can be a motivator for all sorts of things. You may feel motivated to move to a warmer climate, or to grab a sweater!
When we were parenting teens, we were very motivated to change what was going on in our home. As concerned and loving parents we wanted it to change sooner rather than later.
Most people have a motivation to change something in their life. If not, self-help would not be the buzzword that it is.
Discipline
Discipline is actually taking action, or many actions, towards a goal.
Discipline can be tricker. Okay, that’s an understatement. I don’t know about you, but for me? Finding the discipline needed to commit to some sort of exercise routine is yikes! I am SO motivated; I am aging. There is no end of data showing us how important exercise is, at any age, for our body and our brain too-and if I don’t start now….
Finding motivation is easy! Surely, I can do the 7 minute work out every day, right? It’s only 7 minutes for goodness sake!! It has science to back it up. It’s 7 short minutes!!!! And. Truth? I haven’t even stuck to it for 7 days, and I have tried multiple times. Discipline is hard!
Wanting to change is easy. Changing is hard. Chris Curtis nailed it.
Throwing on a sweater? One and done and warm. The others? Yeahhhhhh.
“If you don’t like the road you’re walking, pave another one.” said Dolly Parton Just be careful that that new road is not paved with good intentions, because we know where that road leads, Is it Feb yet? Is the street littered with resolutions and paved with good intentions?
Discipline requires a commitment to ongoing work, to training, to learning, to not stopping until you have achieved what you want to achieve. For most folks, again, based on buzzwords, what people want is to be happy. We are motivated to find what is holding us back from that goal and then taking the steps needed to get there. If you don’t know where you’re going, that’s where you’ll get.
Self-discipline takes time. Steps. Not just one. We live in an instant isn’t fast enough culture. We have lost our ability to exercise patience. Change happens slowly. You can’t always just grab a sweater and go.
HOW to learn self-discipline?
Baby steps. No matter what it is that you are motivated to do, take a moment to consider a few things. I strongly suggest taking the time to look at this list and write down the answers, not just consider them. Your life is worth it.
- What goal are you motivated to work towards? Be clear and specific.
To get stronger, warmer, safer, happier are good. Get more specific.
Do 50 squats and 50 jumping jacks a day. (And, via some miracle, about eight weeks in, I’m doing that most days.)
Getting that sweater to warm up.
Many parents are motivated to make their kids: listen more, do more chores, answer their phone more…and on and on.
As parents we are motivated regularly, in any moment, by their behaviors. Consider what you are working towards. Specific in a long-term goal might mean we want them to be helpful, considerate, polite, responsible, resilient, grateful…We want a lot honestly. Are we willing to motivate ourselves as parents towards those same goals?
- Is your goal reasonable and realistic?
It would seem entirely reasonable and realistic to find 7 minutes to exercise.
It is entirely reasonable and realistic to grab a sweater if you are at home. It is also entirely reasonable to knit a sweater; to buy yarn and a pattern, learn how to knit, then knit the sweater and then change into it. How reasonable is it to move? (And you can only answer this for YOU. This is not a test, just an opportunity to consider. I do not pretend to have answers for you.
Do you want to change your child’s behavior? A gentle reminder, changing someone else’s behavior is not realistic, setting certain standards of conduct is more realistic.
Do you have any idea how long it will take and are you willing to set mini goals on the road to the goal?
Ah, would I commit to exercising 4 times a week? I would try. History tells me I might fail. My 50-50 solution was suggested by someone way younger than me and way beefier. I have broken it down to 25-25 in the morning and 25-25 in the afternoon. Baby steps.
We will absolutely not be discussing the bag of yarn sitting in a bag for a sweater that I was sure I could knit for my sister for Xmas 2020. I’m not even setting a goal. I’m just not motivated enough right now. And that’s okay too. Some things can wait.
When I was parenting teens I kept thinking things were better, until they weren’t, they were worse. How long it takes a parent to have what I call my “Miss Clavel moment”, when I sat up in the middle of the night and said “Something is not right!” is different for each individual parent. We had moved through it one step at a time, each step leading to the next until that night. That night I got more disciplined. Nothing changed overnight except me.
I run into many parents who want to know when the right time is to do X or Y or Z. They want directions, what are the steps to X? Alas, and fortunately, there are no universally “right” times or steps. Each situation and the personalities in them are all different. It’s like a personal trainer, I want a trainer who understands me, doesn’t follow the steps on YouTube for women my age and weight. I can go on YouTube on my own.
The important thing with a family is to understand that you are working towards a goal that motivates you to be disciplined.
- Do you have the skill set or support needed to make the change?
I’ve got arms and legs that work. Check.
Personal Trainers do well for themselves for a reason!! Self-discipline often is easier when we have a witness. Making a commitment to another human. Maybe it’s just a human thing?
I last knit in college. That was not yesterday. The folks at the yarn shop were not helpful. A friend has offered assistance and also said that the pattern that they sold me as “easy” is not. I have a lot of sweaters, I am skilled in locating sweaters that work for me that are within my budget.
I was terrified that I did not have the skill set to help my own children. Terrified. We engaged therapists, neuropsychologists, a psychiatrist and several educational consultants for one of our kids, and not nearly enough of the first for the other or the family.
Thankfully I had my high school friend Debbie who I trust 150% and who doesn’t tell me what to do, but tells me what she did and what she would have done differently. My parents thought that they were skilled. They suggested a solution: our child should move to their house and transfer to school there. After all, they raised me, so I guess with hindsight I could take their suggestion as a compliment. I did not at the time. I love and respect my parents and that child loved their grandparents, and still does, but none of us had the skill set that our child deserved to help them get through their struggle.
- How will you hold yourself accountable?
There are plenty of people who can tell you that joining a gym does not improve a thing unless you go. See above re: personal trainer. Often we humans need more than a membership, we need to look in someone else’s eyes.
The harder it is, the more a trainer, therapist and/or coach can help you stay on the course towards your goal.
Discipline is worth working towards as a goal! That meditation that I do for 7 minutes every morning? It changed my life and continues to do so every day. It was a slow realization after a slow implementation.
These days I am doing 50 squats and 50 jumping jacks a day. And, I’m doing that maybe 40% pf the days. Maybe 50% next week?
Like everyone we know, what works for one person does not work for the next. Each parent does have the answers. Some parents of teens really want to know how to change a situation in their first hour of coaching. I totally get that. And when I don’t give them a solid answer some aren’t happy. They want a switch that will knit a warm sweater to change into, but that’s not reality-in sweaters and certainly not in relationships.
I leave you with this, shared with me by a parent who learned to be beautifully disciplined with her child. Lots of rehabs, kicked her beloved over 18 child out, let them live on the streets, got a restraining order and never stopped communicating in ways that they, the parent, wanted. None of this was easy. That child is now employed, in a relationship, housed, has the keys to their mother’s home and is in regular communication with family. She still worries that their relationship isn’t what it “should” be, but she is practicing patience and gratitude, and accepting that this is pretty good.
* Were it not for this amazing kikd of mine I would def never have received insiration from an MMA fighter! But, things change when I change. I am inspired by Chris Curtis. Doesn’t mean I have to watch him fight, because according to this article, his mama doesn’t watch either!!
