Understanding ourselves is a lifelong pursuit. Like a salmon swimming upstream, in this pursuit there are both placid pools, swift currents to swim against, and small falls to jump.
The teenage years are usually the small falls, which means parenting teens can feel like swift currents. As a parent, each milestone in our child’s life brings with it an opportunity to reflect on our own life, as we are aware and able to pay attention.
This awareness is perhaps more important in our children’s teen years since knowing ourselves helps us to send clear messages. If I am saying one thing- “Don’t do drugs!”, while remembering another-all the drugs I did at their age, the message is easily muddied. We think we hide our bias, but others see the contradictions in what we say by how we say it. Even if we don’t say it verbally, our behaviors and tone, will betray us.
Teenagers are very attuned to us. They have been studying us for years. So, knowing your truth is doubly important as they search for cracks in your facade. Knowing ourselves, being aware of our cracks, is part of how we get and stay clear in our communication with our teen children.
What is our motivation if we have a “no drugs” stance? Often it is fear. Did we do things that we regret? Or do we think that our children are not as grown up as we were? Or are we concerned because drugs are stronger today? All are reasonable fears, and good starting points for conversations if we are willing to listen, not lecture.
Sharing our thought process with our preteen, teen, young adults, or heck, even adult children, makes for clearer communication. They may not be any more (or less) likely to follow our rules after this conversation. It is best not to set that trap for yourself or them. What you will achieve through clearer communication is a demonstration of respect for their thought process by being open with your own and listening to theirs. Sometimes they may reveal their own thoughts in those conversations. Sometimes they may not, but, as above, they are attuned, they are paying attention even if they appear otherwise.
When they do reveal their own thoughts, the hard part for parents is to listen without shutting them down with our own knowledge, and opinions, especially when they are “very wrong”. Listening to their point of view doesn’t mean you have to agree or need to change your mind or theirs. Acknowledge their points of view and respond to the points they make with thought. Don’t react. Slow down and make clear your reasons for your opinions and decisions. Doing this helps them prepare for how to make decisions with respect for other points of view in their future.
Setting clear expectations and/or boundaries in this way can help our pre-teens, teens and young adults navigate these tumultuous waters. To be clear about what we expect and why gives them something to push against, in order to find what they want. The teens years, like the terrible twos, are all about pushing the boundaries in order to find their own center.
Honestly, clarity doesn’t mean they will comply, but it sets your relationship up so that when they don’t comply, you can still talk about the experiences they are having and maybe learn something that alters your boundary. Or, it opens up the possibility that they may learn that once again you were right. Either way there is more opportunity to build trust between you.
Trust and conversation are the glue you’ll want when they leave home. If you have trusting conversations now, while they are living with you, then you have the basis for trusting conversations when they move out. They may even seek advice from time to time. For me that was the goal, a continued connection as they lived their own lives. Connection that is no longer about control, responsibility, or expectations but is grounded in trust, accountability and most of all LOVE.
