“A bend in the road is not the end of the road…Unless you fail to make the turn.”

― Helen Keller

I spent a good portion of my life driving in a ditch. No, not literally, but anyone who knows me knows that I love a good metaphor. Driving just lends itself so brilliantly to parallels when parenting teens!

Parenting teens is hard! Oh, I trundled along acting like life was fine, I was moving, Sure, there were bumps and it was sort of dirty, but it was fine, right? Everything as fine I would insist to myself. And, sometimes it absolutely was fine. And, with our second I was not fully aware of where I was. How did I get there in that ditch? Well, I’ll tell you, I would like to tell you it was all those crazy drivers! They were driving too slow or too fast. Cars were headed straight at me! People were passing on the right, on the left. I cursed them all. I thought that I had no where to go but off the road!

Safe Driving

In SF, where we live, there are streetcars which run on tracks. There are places where the tracks are in a lane on the street and you can drive over them- legally. There are other places where the streetcar tracks separate off. The street pavement is no longer under them. They resemble railroad tracks. More than once you will see some poor soul who has accidently started driving on the tracks. They had missed the signs. These folks are quite stuck on what is essentially a railroad track.

When I witness and experience all these drivers I could make all sorts of judgements! They must be high on drugs, or drunk, or blind, to have made that mistake! And, they may be one of those. The truth is, I don’t know. Maybe they’re just tired parents of teens! Maybe they’re not from the area and they’re paying attention to the GPS. Maybe they’re visiting from a country where they drive on the “wrong” side of the street. How much attention were they paying? I don’t know.

So, as a parent, am I paying attention to the road? I cannot get out of the ditch of my own despair if I do not see where I am. I am best served when I admit that maybe it wasn’t all someone else’s fault. Maybe I was being a crazy mother. Maybe they are being crazy teens. Maybe together we’re just a demolition derby. Speeding up to get ahead of my kid, then suddenly slowing down, to get them to stop? That stopped nothing.

Change in Pavement

I’d love to tell you that I was on the pavement before my kids were teens. But. That’s not entirely true. Their teen years made an honest woman of me-I am much more aware of the lies I told myself and others, including my kids. I’m not talking conscious lies. I probably had tendency to overreact, and be in their business, even before they were teens. It wasn’t extreme, which is why it was easy to be unaware of it. I was actually a pretty good mom to my kids. It’s age appropriate to take care of young children.

The older they got, I still loved them and was still a decent mother. Hugs still happened. Dinners still happened. And, I absolutely let stuff slide. It was just plain easier to clean the dishes myself than get the teenagers to clean them! So, the household responsibilities were taken care of by mom. I was more worried about their homework and wanted to make sure that they had time to do that. (Because cleaning pots and pans is SO time consuming?) I also was spending time worrying that they were doing the things that teenagers do….you know, the things that I did as a teenager, but that we all “know” is so much worse now. The world did not feel scary when I was a teen, now it felt overwhelmingly scary-to me, the parent.

Staying in Your Lane

As they aged I was not completely untrustworthy. However, I struggled to trust them. They were teenagers! Who trusts a teenager?! And, in that not trusting them, I started questioning myself as well. And, in doing that? I became less worthy of trust.

As I said earlier, I would love to blame this on, oh, anyone or anything. Sure, I was tired. I had plenty of reasons- I was the primary breadwinner, I had the kids more days after I separated, and then they were teens! I am now aware that in many ways I was just in the ditch hoping that the teenager/s would see me there and call AAA. Did I mention? Teenagers. Teenagers do not, and should not, take care of their parents.

I can’t tell you when things changed with my second, when my fear took over. It was slow. Was I paying attention? Yes. I was aware of things being amiss. But I wasn’t sure I wasn’t over reacting. (Yes, I was stuck in a land of double negatives!) I had no idea what to do, so I just kept driving in the ditch, looking for a sign to tell me where to go. Turns out, it’s hard to see signs from the ditch.

Turning on the Headlights

Eventually I became aware that my child was struggling, and that I was in a ditch. Our friends and parents were happy to listen to me shouting, and happy to give advice. My parents suggested that they take our son. This did not make me feel better! By the time they made this offer I was becoming clearer on what was gong on, and what our options were. My parents are not tow truck operators. No doubt it caused them pain to see me in pain. It was hard for them to witness all of it. Not being experts, they felt helpless. I know that feeling, it is not good.

My bar for acceptable was getting lower and lower. I was pleading with our child more and more. He was running over my stated barriers more and more. We were engaging in shouting matches more and more. He was also exactly the same really wonderful sweet kind kid that I knew and loved. I kept saying that his behavior was normal. And getting more upset. My own behavior wasn’t much better than his. I was scared and was unsure where to turn or who to turn to for help.

Only when we are consciously aware that we are having feelings can we start to get out of the ditch. Until we admit to being in a ditch can we call for appropriate help. I am so thankful that we paid attention and reached out for help and made real changes. Bends in the road are natural. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I love being on the same road system as those kids, and supporting them in age appropriate ways as adults. What happens next? I have no idea. I get to give and receive hugs, and stay in my lane.