"Jumping to conclusions.... is always easier than finding the patience to discover the truth."
We live in a very urgent and impatient world. I am familiar with this personally, and I hear it in most parents I speak with. We spend a lot of time jumping frantically from here to there trying to figure things out and get on the right track. And that urgency helps…..no one really:/ Patience pays off.
So, HOW DO you raise teens?!?
Raising teens is often likened to being on a perpetual roller coaster. Our strong suggestion to parents? Don’t jump on the roller coaster with them unless you are at an actual amusement park. We get to take responsibility for our own choices. So, unless you’re having fun? Just say no to reacting and hopping on for the roller coaster ride.
You are the adult. They are the teen. Stop before you strap yourself in. Remind yourself that someone’s brain is fully myelinated/connected, and, lo, that is you! Remind yourself, “I am the perfect parent for this child, I do not need to get on the roller coaster with them.”
The choices made by those who might appear to be fully developed adults, AKA the teen, but whose pre-frontal cortex is not actually fully connected, are their choices to make. They will often not make sense to you, because ….right, you are an adult. You see things that they don’t, you know things that they have not yet learned. Letting them learn can be hard. Trust that they know you are there when they learn, to comfort them, listen to them and cheer them on.
They might get sick on that roller coaster. If you’re puking too? Yeah.
Good odds that they might get scared at some point on that roller coaster. If you’re scared too? Yeah.
Who do you really want to be? We want to stay connected – as they are wanting to disconnect. Did I mention, it’s hard! If you are solid and standing there being an adult? They will see you as that. And trust you to be that.
So, your pre-teen or teen may be running around like crazy, there and gone, loud or quiet, upside down or twisting round. How to parent this? Go slow. Practice patience. Take time for yourself.
Stand back and enjoy watching them. Roller coasters scare us, but they’re actually pretty safe. Just like planes. Planes scare us, but we don’t grip the seat when we get in the car?
Consider reality. Trust that you have made many mistakes raising your children, and that you love them, and they know that. This is the beginning of our children’s adult journey. Don’t jump to any conclusions.
Be there for them by being there for yourself. No one knows what lies ahead. It may be a relatively smooth ride. If you hit turbulence grab your partner’s hand, grab a professional’s arm, try not to grip your kid. Breathe. You’ve got this.
And, for sure ask them if they want to go to the boardwalk or amusement park or on a hike or a trip. Just ask. No pressure. They may look at you like you’re crazy and they don’t have time for that. They also may surprise you.
