"Explain it all to me - NOW"
We just watched Everyone, Everywhere, All at Once and I was struck because it seemed to illuminate the parent/adolescent relationship. This will be a spoiler for the movie and may not make sense unless you have seen it, because although I try to be non-specific, you do get the story arc. So, before reading further I suggest seeing it. I really enjoyed the movie and it is relevant to the work we do here at Plan P and for parents everywhere.
From where I sit the movie is about the experience of a mother and teenage daughter working through the change in their relationship as the teen moves from a dependent child to a responsible adult.
As is frequently the case with teen/young adults whose brains are developing, the daughter has a fractured mind, and existential angst which leads to every parent’s worst nightmare-the child moving towards obliterating everything. As is also often the case during these transitional years, the blame could easily be placed on the parents for pushing her. They want their child to achieve immediate goals beyond her natural capacity. The young adult child could, as happens, have the outward appearance of not feeling heard, seen or understood by a parent who is harried with other concerns.
The parents in the movie are distracted by a lot of real issues in their lives; aging parents, work, and taxes, in addition to having struggles within their own relationship. These parents of a teen/young adult have much in common with perhaps the majority of parents of teens; we have issues at work, responsibilities at home, and other people (in the movie, Grandpa)who we also need to attend to. Additionally, we have been tending to our children’s needs for many years, we are accustomed to this role in our children’s lives, and sometimes that has meant less attention paid to our partners.
Then something jolts us into recognizing that we need to change our strategy, our relationship, with our beloved child. Our child, who is no longer an actual child. Our adult children are no longer in our orbit. They are getting information and experience outside of our control. That can be a challenging experience for parents.
In the movie, the mother’s greatest strength is that she is not perfect. In fact, it is all her failures that give her the advantage needed to gain her daughter’s trust! All the “perfect parents” do not have the same connections, or in my reading, depth of character, to reach the daughter. This mother does.
I love that it shows that our mistakes, failures and missteps can be our greatest assets because they allow us to connect with others. I find this to be true in my life, I don’t connect with people who are showing me their perfect side because I feel less-than or judged. Whereas, when someone lets me see their flaws, I feel let in, I feel allowed to be flawed as well.
This imperfect mother is also a critical parent. And here I’d like to point out that the critical parent is actually showing love. While it is hard for the daughter to receive as love, it is the mother’s way of saying “I see you and all your flaws and still love you.” While the teen understands this it is still hard to feel it as love, especially as an angst filled young adult. I love how it is recieved at the end of the movie when the mother criticizes her daughter’s girlfriend’s hair. This is the mother’s acknowledgement that she cares about this person, who is important to her daughter, too.
The film also demonstrates that the dis-function in a family is inter-generational. The mother’s relationship with Grandpa is not simple; from his letting the mother leave when she was a young girl to his willingness to do the ultimate damage in order to set things right, his choices have had impact on his own daughter. His actions seem to me to be based on an outward focus, his wants above all else to keep his standing in the community. There are moments throughout when you can see the effects of this trickling down through the generations.
Again, this “failed” mother is able to move beyond her father’s direction, and to listen to her own heart. She sees through her connection and attention paid to her husband, that love and kindness are the ways to reach her daughter. It is she who changes the rules of engagement, in order to move closer. She is willing to follow her daughter to the edge, without expectation, but simply because she loves her.
Ultimately, it is love that is the connection that both brings them to the edge and pulls them back from it.
