When the kids bark, when the words sting..
“I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don’t feel so bad.”
Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein
Holidays can be a trying time for many people, for no end of reasons. Feelings are human and feeling sad happens throughout the year! Waves of grief, feelings of deprivation and not-enough are, alas, not seasonal. The holidays in particular can be hard, full of hopes for happy and dreams of the fresh beginning of a new year.
Let there be peace on earth -and please could there be peace in the home! Joy to the world -and please can the family be joyful just for a week, is that too much to ask?! Parenting pre-teens, teens and young adults? Everyone is home and school is out?! Peace and joy? Where?!?
The struggle to manage the schedule, shopping, and events is real- and now the kids are making their own plans too?! There is the hope that you will find the perfect gifts which will make the season merry for everyone. Then trying to be happy about gifts you receive but don’t feel seen by? Oh my. Then there is the final big event, the ball dropping on a new year filled with dreams! Those expectations- often disguised as hopes, the accompanying obligations, and dreams- can have a big price tag; parental stress, and anxiety for all.
Favorite Things?
Much though I would like to put my kids on my list of favorite things, and they are absolutely positively my favorite people, this is one of the many times when the entire family is best served when I take responsibility and look elsewhere to identify things that make me happy when I’m feeling sad.
A few of my favorite things-and a gentle reminder, kids are not things. Looking to them, my children or other humans, to make me not-sad puts a lot of pressure on them. Trickle down pressure is not good for the family emotional economy, especially during the holiday season when a lot of folks are feeling spent.
How do you fill a gift with love and make sure that the person knows it? The truth? You can’t. What you can do is give it. If they think wtf, then that’s on them. If they verbalize this feeling? That’s on them too. If you realize that they may have a point, give them another gift- acknowledge them with an “Oops, I hear you.”
It can be hard to get teens excited about spending time with family at the holidays. They are excited by not-family, as their brain is wired to do. And gifts? Meh. One of our kids looked at me one year, at about age 14, and said “Remember that year that I wanted a Diamondbacks jersey and I got it and I jumped up and down and ran all over the house screaming because I was so happy? That doesn’t happen anymore.”
Nope, that developmental stage is gone, gone, gone. It’s back there in the past with earlier stages, like when that kid was one and was so mesmerized and enchanted by the blinking lights on the Xmas tree across the street and the boxes that the actual gifts were just a small part of the magic.
The kids change. The magic changes. This season you can try to make a pre-teen, teen or young adult happy, as well as your parents and all those adults, but physiologically speaking, none of those folks are two, five or even eight anymore.
And then, wham, there is New Year’s Eve! And the only thing that many parents of preteens and teens want to tie up with string is their kids! And, yeah…not a reasonable hope, dream or plan.
What you CAN do right.
Know what brings a smile to your face or a warm feeling to your heart this year. Know what makes you not feel so sad. Do you know how to communicate with that preteen or teen? Check yourself before you wreck….anything! Have a plan to step away without drama if you start feeling sad.
Remember. Things change. Last year I’m pretty sure I was still anti-wrapping paper- it’s expensive and wasteful so brown paper packages were fine, although not a fave, just ok. And I don’t favor meat, so schnitzel, with or without noodles, was not for me.
This year I spotted a giant roll of vintage-esque wrapping paper at Walgreen’s for $7. I may use some brown paper or newspaper as I have done for years, but I may not. Favorite? I’m not sure about that, but I am grateful for the change. I grew up and let go of last year’s me. Yay. And schnitzel? A few months ago a puppy came to us completely unplanned. She is part terrier (schnauzer Quinn thinks), and part dachshund, so Quinn calls this little bundle of puppy joy her “little schnitzel”, and that schnitzel is definitely one of my favorite things!! (Schnitzel with child below)
What are your plans for New Year’s? What do you want to celebrate? How will you celebrate? Think back to those favorite things?
Eight years ago at Xmas I was a bit of a mess. On December 10th we had arranged for one of our beloved kids to be taken from our home by transport AKA Gabe and Andre, the gentle giants to me. My kid’s experience that night was different than mine. Each family member was feeling traumatized in their own way that holiday season.
That was a mere eight years ago/ That was a million years ago. This year? We spent time over the weekend with both of those adults (25 and 28) and their chosen families/friends. We were invited for Xmas eve dinner at one of their girlfriends parents’ house. We all have changed/ We are all the same.
And that first parent of a teen with a girlfriend NYE?! Yeah, regrets I’ve had a few, but with hindsight, that might be olne of the parenting decisions that I feel okay about. We spent the entire night awake because we had agreed-with the girlfriend’s parents’ blessing and rules- to let her spend the night; door open, separate beds. That girlfriend was three trillion years ago and our kid now sees that that “might not” have been the healthiest relationship. But. They were teenagers! No better time to have a bad relationship if you can learn from it!
This song, I realized, is basically about gratitude. “Simply” remembering your favorite things can feel not so simple, but I am here to say you can get through this weekend, and beyond. Focus on giving thanks; giving gifts filled with love, and accepting even the “wtf were you thinking?” gift with grace. Just that not-always-simple-but-it-gets-easier-with-practice self-care can be a solid start to a calmer holiday season and a happier new year.
When the kid fights, when the words sting, when I’m feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things and then I don’t feel so bad.
My favorite things?
- First, the reminder that things change. Eight years ago, I could have never imagined this year. Sixteen years ago, I never could have imagined eight years ago.
- Gratitude waterfalls
stars
the night sky
the universe
love
my family
this sweater I’m wearing
silver white winters that melt into springs
hot chocolate
the Dark Horse Inn
seasons changing
- Knowing that I don’t know what will happen next year, and being ok with that. Reality. I really don’t know!
- Music
“The man who knows something knows that he knows nothing at all.”
Erykah Badu and JaBorn Jamal
