"Close scrutiny will show that most 'crisis situations' are opportunities to either advance, or stay where you are."
I love this reminder.
First -take a moment to look at what I perceive to be the crisis; then take stock of the facts. The facts. You know, those things that are real, what is actually happening- not what I am afraid is happening, not what could happen in the future if I don’t do something to prevent a crisis. So, essentially, establish whether there is a crisis, then identify what it is, then consider my options.
Parenting teens was hard for me because I was not 150% sure what the facts were. Oh I knew a lot of facts about teens- drug use, sex, suicide and so much more. Those facts scared me. I closely scrutinized my kids like parents do when there is a lice outbreak to see if they had any signs of any of those scary facts. I knew the signs; I’d read the books and blogs and posts and gone to the parent information nights.
And, I don’t know about you, but it used to be that if I was not 150% sure of the facts, if I did not know exactly what was going on with my kids?
That becomes a bit of an issue when a child enters adolescence. Have you ever met a teenager? Yeahhhh. What is going on with them?!? Surely, they don’t even know! They are a complicated group of cells, and they change daily. One day at dinner I’d feel 100% sure everything was good and I could go full-on-slalom down to 1% in an hour. And then, forget about what they might or might not be doing, I was running around with my hair on fire.
Scrutinizing can be good… when looking for lice. Via some miracle, my kids never got lice. Because I’m such a great parent? Nah. Just good fortune. Scrutinizing is not a preventive measure.
Childhood issues like lice, once they entered the teen years, those fears fade. There are way more “important” things to look for, like “Are they high?!” “What are they doing online?” “Are they having sex?” “Are they having safe sex?” “Are they ….??” “What about….??” The list goes on and on. Say nothing of the laundry, homework, dinner! Parenting a teen offers no end of things to turn into a crisis if that’s what you choose to do!
SO- WHAT IS A CRISIS?
According to Sara Zarr “Everyone has an identity crisis when they are 16 or 17.”
So, let us consider this, if this identity crisis is the natural progression of life- be it the teen years or the midlife years- is it a crisis? Might it just be a shift? A transition?
This prompted me to explore what the definition of crisis is. Oxford and the dictionary on my phone agree that a crisis is:
-a turning point, a decisive moment.
-the second definition involves difficulty and instability
Both adequately describe the teen years. The teen years are absolutely a major turning point as the brain develops/myelinates and the teen becomes an independent adult. Might there be difficulty and instability? Probably. Is this cause for a parent to become difficult and unstable? Hmmmm.
Me? I did the best that I could to stay somewhat grounded in this reality when my kids were teens. Until……fear crept in. By the time our younger child was a sophomore I was scrutinizing in fear hourly. I was aware that something was amiss, I just had zero idea what. There were lots of signs, but I couldn’t read them. I saw him struggling and I felt helpless. What was he feeling? I tried to ask. I honestly did not know what to do but go running around in circles hoping that someone would notice my hair was on fire.
Running around in circles-hair ablaze or not- is basically staying where you are and spending a lot of time and energy doing it.
It is not advancing, it is not proceeding with caution, it is not productive use of time or energy. And, 150% sure of something? That’s not reality, not even close. We worked through the reality of the situation once I accepted that this was a family matter that we could handle. It was an opportunity, not a crisis at all.
How did I manage this shift? I slowed down. I saw that my child was changing. I realized that if you subject a teen to scrutiny-“a searching examination or investigation, close and continuous watching or guarding”, essentially put them under a microscope just as they are craving independence? They squirm. They squirm a lot. I was not seeing my child; I was seeing a crisis.
Raising teens has successfully cured me of my addiction to crisis. My spouse tells me that my hair barely even sizzles anymore!
There may be difficulty and instability in any change. There is no end of crisis in the world. Lighting our hair on fire or pointing fingers does not change a thing. Like, truly, it does not change a single solitary thing-except we get exhausted and feel burnt out.
The teens years are not necessarily easy years for a parent…or for the child going through them!
Do you feel like you are in a crisis?
Look down at where your feet are.
Have you examined and considered the facts?
You have a choice, you can advance, move forward, or stay where you are.
Are you willing to consider what the opportunities are?
Are you/we willing to accept reality and move forward?
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(And, yes, I know, JFK might have taken liberties with another language. That’s for another time, eh?)
