Parenting teens, even “perfect” teens? The power struggles are so real!  Especially when they are still living at home as teens or young adults?  Every day can be a struggle. This is the not the flip of a switch matter. They are struggling within, changing, growing and that struggle seeps out of their pores!

When I ask parents essentially if they want to lead, define, refine, design their teen’s lives they often pause, to consider the list, and generally, hesitatingly, say “Yes?Please?!” They love their kids, no question, and if they are talking to me as a professional, we’ve usually established that they are working with me because they want change.

Often that change is that they are tired of the struggle, whether that be with the teen or young adult, and/or with the other primary care giver/s.

Had someone asked me that question when I was struggling as the parent of a teen I would have maybe looked at them like they were crazy “Yes! Absolutely!! It is obvious that they need help!  Whatever is dominating their life right now is clearly not helping them. Isn’t it my job to lead them?!?”

In our practice, one of the things that we hear most often is “Isn’t it my/our job as their parent/s to…”

My answer?  As parents of teens and young adults, our job changes.  What is a parent’s job?  To love and support- and that is unique to each child. The only commonality is that ideally the job description of the parent changes to reflect the changing times-the changing age and needs (not wants) of the child.

The truth is that conflict keeps us connected.  We parents want reassurance that we will stay connected and our kids are literally physiologically designed to separate.

I had to ask myself honestly, when my younger child and I were fighting, if this was really the relationship that I wanted. Did I want, with my most amazing beloved child- to be engaged in constant struggle which was clearly causing both of us pain?

It kept us connected, but I can now recognize that I was not taking responsibility for myself.  Basically, I forgot who the grown up in the room was.  I “needed” him to change. I set so many boundaries we will not talk about it, and I repeated them often since he clearly had not heard me the first two hundred times!

I would have said that he was not interested in changing.

With hindsight, I see that I didn’t ask him what he was interested in.

I was so busy trying to lead, define, refine, design and dominate him, so I would feel better.  Does a little piece of my heart break for both of us, for all of us, that as I write this?  It does.  I believe that both of our hearts have healed, his older siblings’ as well.  The hugs that I receive from them both when we see each other; the hearts and the “Love you”s sent by text?   Those are the signs that we have repaired and restored our relationships.

The power struggle will not go away so long as we are all trying to grab the power.

I do not consider myself someone who dominates.  But, yeah, I definitely wanted them to do things my way.  We want control.  Teenagers want control. Thus, the struggle is born.  And for me, off we went to fight it out.  Daily maybe even, in the worst of times.

I am so grateful to my kids for all the lessons they have taught me.

Want out of the struggle? Consider the grown up in the room, you, and choose to listen instead of dominating.

How to Lead

I am not my children’s leader.  I hope that they have learned from me, and continue to do so, just as I continue to learn in my life, because there is so much that I still do not know.

They now ask me for guidance when they feel lost. I can only guide them when I listen. First I need to know where they are, or to help them discover this. Then we can discuss where they want to go.  Then and only then can I be of assistance. I can ask questions, but I can’t lead them, that’s not my job.

I always tried to lead with love. I know that even in our darkest moments together I loved them with my whole entire heart. Even when we parents f’d up, and we did that plenty, all those years before they hit puberty were not erased.  Those kids knew that they were loved.

How to Define

I can only define myself and quite frankly, that is way hard enough!

I can define my boundaries because I know who I am, I am self-defined.

I love to help people and to be of service. I have several jobs, and I also do volunteer work which feeds my soul. I am clear about my time and how much I have to give. I like to buy things for myself, and I am clear on my money and how much I have to spend.  (Okay, reality check to both of those, I am pretty clear!)

As I gain clarity for myself, it is, not shockingly, easier to be clear with others.

How to Refine

I can only refine myself once I have some idea of who I am, what I’m made of.  Otherwise, it’s like that copper pan that my father bought on ebay;   My father has a very keen visual acuity and didn’t know why it was so black inside and it bothered him.  The result? He paid someone grind off…wait for it…the (sterling) silver lining.  Seriously.  I couldn’t make that up.

And our kids?  All those things that we taught them, manners, kindness, generosity and such?  They still have them, they’re just trying to define themselves, they’re teenagers, don’t panic!

You get what I’m saying right? Check your self before you wreck yourself- and your relationships.  Don’t refine before you define, before you fully understand what it is you are looking at. Remember the silver lining is there, it may just need some attention, not grinding.

(And if you’re struggling and trying to confine your teen, it’s probably time to seek professional help. It’s there.)

How to Design

I built a solid business which supported my family based on my ability to design clothes and spaces with clothes.  (Thanks to my dad no doubt.)  Designing a life is another thing entirely.

My kid’s lives? When they were little, it was in fact my job to map out their days; their playdates, their activities, their lives in many ways. That position has been eliminated. There’s a great book/podcast/youtube and a few college courses; Designing Your Life.  I am married to a brilliant woman who I believe bought three copies; one for us, one for each kid. You can design your life, with or without the book.

We work with parents and help them design a plan for their family that feels right for their family.  There is not one single plan, alas.  Having a plan is of infinite value, and of equal value is recognizing that plans change, because things change!

In summary:

If you can lead, define and refine yourself you are in a far better place to build and design more.  You have to have a good solid grasp of the basics, of the foundation, of you. (This is maybe why I wear black turtlenecks, white tee shirts, jeans and cowboy boots? Keeping it simple, a solid base coat!) Understanding who you are is imperative to designing your life-or your wardrobe.

Get back to basics.

Who are YOU?

Your kids?  They’re gonna be who they’re gonna be. And despite fears, the odds are, they will be fine.

Look in the mirror. Who is that? How well do you know them?  This is a great opportunity to reintroduce yourself to you.  That person, you, has been very busy raising children.  It’s a 24/7 job like nobody’s biz.

Be kind and gentle with yourself as you learn to navigate this new role of parent of an emerging adult.

It’s a new day. No time like the present to start.