Perseverance? Most parents have mastered that by their child’s first birthday! And we just keep going, as steady as we can manage, parenting as best we can.
That one thing above all? Confidence? Trickier, but we build it as we learn.
Then they are adolescents, and yikes. Full trust in ourselves while trying to love and support a child who is pushing away in one or a million ways? I’ve lost track of the number of previously confident parents who have good relationships with their children who say, “I don’t know what happened!” And the parents whose kids are not pushing away? Just FYI, many of those parents are worried and have lost their confidence too.
It’s fascinating, because what happens is exactly what parents expect; their children will grow up and move away. However, just as is the case with new parenthood, what you expect and what it’s actually like when you are living through it are very different things!
Ch-ch-changes and challenges
When our babies are actual babies there are those moments of bliss between the challenges. The moments of bliss with teens can be harder to come by. Those infant babies are also fully one hundred percent dependent on us. Those teens are not as dependent. Babies and even terrible two years olds are so cute! Teens are transitioning. Cute? Sometimes there is acne and awkwardness, sometimes they change suddenly from cute to gorgeous and handsome. Some look young, some are offered drinks which are not age appropriate according to the law.
As those babies grow up and learn to walk and talk and go to school, we encourage their independence. Teenagers are the natural progression. They are becoming independent! Suddenly parents struggle with their children’s independence. They want the kids back in the house, they want their old relationship back, the one where they could cheer their kids on,and their kids were dependent on them for cheering and so much more.
“Go, be independent! But, wait! No! Not independent like that!! Okay, yes, they have earned back their independence, but, if we let them go out they might….and then…” and then they sit down with us and ask us what to do because they are as exhausted as new parents and they are getting about as much sleep!
As in the classic “Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?”, our beloved children are struggling with this independent dependence too! This book has not been updated for twenty years. The world has updated, and the teens of today are living with different challenges than their parents lived with.
Consider This
The truth is that this has always been the case. Parents freak out in every generation because every generation goes through adolescence. In today’s different world we don’t politely discuss our concerns with one friend, family or our co-parent. Our parental concerns have moved on from discussions about what the kids will be doing in those new-fangled rumble seats.
Parents today are worried about our kids’ use of technology – as we go to parent education nights (often online), listen to podcasts, check their social media parenting tips for the day and often isolate themselves from others. Knowing who to trust can be hard. Thankfully Quinn and I had confidence in ourselves. Thankfully Quinn said to me daily about almost everything “This is your decision. You know that I would do it, but he’s your child, this is ultimately your decision.” I even told her I’d understand if she moved out. We trusted each other and persevered.
My beloved parents, who we trusted and shared our concerns with, suggested that we send our son to live with them. You know, the grandparents who had struggled to get him to their house the week b before, who let him go to his friend’s house first, who picked him up and drove him to their house and who told us that he had smoked week there. Oh the good old days before edibles. Oh, but wait, I remember my father asking 17-year-old me why I thought Jimmy was giving people brownies from a paper bag. Each generation, the same and different.
Parents can find themselves in shock. Their confidence shattered. Parents do not want their children to be dependent. Parents are afraid of what their children will do with their independence. This is obviously a hard spot. The result? We parents send mixed messages. The “trust thing” gets tricky at the very time that parents want their kids to trust them.
How to Persevere and Build Parental Confidence
Marie Curie held on to her confidence that she would get where she wanted to go through perseverance. Parents persevere and are confident that our children will get through their childhoods and then go off and pursue their own lives and persevere in their own dreams. And then the kids are teens. And we parents forget. Their lives. Their dreams.
Parents find this transition hard because the kids aren’t listening. And, as I listen to parents, I know that there is a lot of yelling at kids who aren’t listening, aren’t paying attention, aren’t doing what they need to be doing. No shame if this sounds about right, just the reality of the situation for many parents of teens.
It’s been eight years since our then-seventeen-year-old left the house, but I can tell you this, there was a lot of yelling before he left. And I don’t mean that voices were always raised, but doors were slammed, and tensions were high. I never thought in a million years that I would behave in the way that I did. But I was scared. And people who are afraid for their children’s lives behave in ways that they did not think they ever would.
To rebuild confidence in yourself…you must understand your hopes, your dreams. Not your hopes and dreams for your child, but for yourself. We get to be independent, to explore all the options that the world has to offer us.
And the kids? (And if this list feels long, it is! Pick one that feels manageable for today! Building takes time:)
- Respect them, give them time and space no matter how hard it is.
- Respect yourself, take time and space for yourself and don’t drop everything for them.
- Be honest with yourself and look at reality. Confused? Get support.
- They have spidey senses, they know when we are lying. Don’t lie, that doesn’t build trust.
- Set boundaries and don’t cave without a sit-down conversation of at least fifteen minutes. And- don’t cave.
- You can change your mind. If they have a point, give them credit where credit is due and acknowledge their perspective.
- If you feel like you’re caving, this will help no one.
- If you hear them but respectfully don’t agree, it will be better. You can leave with your self-respect. Theirs? They’ll learn from you.
- Schedule family time regularly. We love a good family meeting.
- Don’t ask why and don’t ask them what they want to do when they grow up.
- Let them learn, by letting them make mistakes, they might even fail, but if they try that’s a win.
- You’ll be there for them, right? But not in the car behind them tracking their every move.
- Trust that they are not grown up yet and that they have everything that they need to succeed, because you did a great job parenting.
- They are growing up, treat them like the adults you hope that they become.
Confidence is built. Over time.
One small conscious decision, one conscious action, at a time.
You ‘ve got this. Grab something from the above list. Don’t expect anything, any relationship, to be built overnight.
Start building.
Our children’s teen years offer us parents an opportunity to revisit what our goal is as parents, to shift our focus.
And perseverance? You’ve got that in spades! You got this far for goodness’s sake!!
